There’s a line in a Hilary Duff song that goes, “Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you? Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room?”
I’m ashamed to admit that I have made every lover I have ever had wonder that. It’s something that for years I never even realised I was doing. Ok, we all have wondering eyes, and will always check out the talent in any given situation. We are, most of us, red blooded gay men. And especially today, with all the social media platforms it is so easy to, intentional or unintentionally, disrespect your partner. And IT IS disrespectful when you’re man is talking to you while your talking to some bloke on SCRUFF.
I can blame a lot of reasons for why I became the person that needed social validation through men wanting me or lusting after me. Hey, as a sex idol it’s my FKIN job to create and encourage this behaviour. But where does fantasy end and reality begin. I have seen so many dysfunctional gay relationships filled with dishonesty, jealousy and hypocrisy. And I thought I was so much better than those people, I wasn’t being dishonest, I wasn’t allowing myself to get jealous and I was practicing what I preached. Not knowing all along my actions may not have been dishonest only because I was creating a convenient reality that allowed me to do the selfish things I was doing with a clear conscience even though it was damaging to my relationship. I was ignoring my partner’s jealousy as weakness instead of love and avoiding getting jealous by making sure I was the one getting all the attention. And sure I have never been a hypocrite but I was creating an environment that allowed me to have my cake and eat it too.
It was when I loved someone who was an addict, that made me realise who I was and what I was doing through his addiction and what he was doing to me. You see he loved me more than anything on this planet, I knew that, yet he was doing the most hurtful things to me cause he had no control of his addiction. SO many people don’t understand what addiction is, they think they do but they have no FKIN clue what real violent addiction is. When I felt that immense frustration and hurt it finally held a mirror up to my face and showed me how much I had unconsciously hurt people that I loved. Including him. And the worst part was I wasn’t an addict so WTF was my reason for being so FKIN cruel?
Most people think he was the monster in our love story but you are so FKIN wrong. I treated that beautiful boy so badly for years. Not allowing him the love he was fighting so hard to get from me but giving him just enough to not allow him to leave me for someone else. I was so FKIN selfish and am so ashamed of myself. I can name one really FKED up thing I have done to every one of my past lovers due to this insatiable need for attention from other men. And for me, sexual validation.
And it isn’t my career, being a pornstar or sex worker doesn’t make you a selfish asshole. Though unfortunately most sex workers and pornstars are fucked up on some personal level with or without the industry and so that makes it seem that being in the industry does fuck you up. I will say that it puts you in a much greater position to be dishonest, cheat or feed your ego sexually or through social or physical validation. But again how far you take that is up to you as an individual person. I abused it and didn’t even know I was doing it.
I really don’t believe things happen for a reason, that’s what people say to make themselves feel better when they’re life is fucked up. But I did find one amazingly good thing out of the horrible ordeal I went through recently and that is how much love means to me. How much I need to respect it and most importantly protect it. I even remember the moment. I was staying with Mamma FLEX before my bodybuilding comp, (So yeah I was also FKED up on comp prep too!) I was sitting in my bedroom editing the Kiss it Better video of me and Skip and it hit me like a FKIN steam train. How someone can truly love another person and hurt them so much at the same time. And then I realised how I was that person who had done that to all my past lovers. I even text each one (that still talks to me) and apologised to them and said how amazing they were.
And the next time I have a boy friend he will NEVER have to wonder who else is standing in the room.
So lets REV it into first gear and show them all how it’s done…