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Lonely

By ASK ROGAN 2 Comments

I found this article I wrote a while back and didn’t post. I’m not too sure why I hesitated? Maybe I didn’t want to seem vulnerable? I guess having a huge rip in my cock has put things into a different perspective. I often have felt really lonely in my life and I know a lot of you feel this way too and this was my attempt to try and write something about that feeling, to tell you we all feel that way and that maybe it’s not the worse thing to happen to you like maybe a hole in your dick would be considered worse.

Lonely…

I’m guessing you would be pretty surprised that I have always felt alone since I was a teenager. Don’t get me wrong I am so lucky to say I have an amazing group of friends that I know will always be there for me and a KIKASS family that, though we may not have always seen eye to eye, and who I treated like shit for a rebellious phase of my life when I was accepting my sexuality, would do anything for me and vice versa. But you know how they say you can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. Well, that is true as well even if those people all love you and you love them back. I mean at the end of the day we are all fundamentally alone. They have their own lives and shit to deal with as do you.

 

For some people like myself, we make it even harder on ourselves to feel included in this merry-go-ride called life because we chose to dance to a different beat and talk to a truth that is too blunt to most people who misunderstand you as being rude. Look, I can only speak for myself and wouldn’t ever claim I know your life, but I have found that being even slightly different makes you slightly alienated from the crowd around you. So, I have a billion guys messaging me saying they want me to destroy their asses but come on, that’s not real. Mostly its fantasy and even if not it’s still not substantial. Yeah it FKIN feels great to be globally worshipped and I have been surprised and humbled by my followers and how amazing they are and how they have moved or touched me in a positive way as I have them. But after you put down your phone or shut your laptop you are swallowed by a very real loneliness.

 

It’s hard for me to verbalize this but then it’s hard for me to admit it. But I don’t think this feeling of isolation is necessarily something you should feel ashamed of. It’s just life. I remember as a teenager, riding my bike around the neighborhood I grew up in, as the sun was setting, and I would look into people’s houses wondering who was living in them and if there was someone in there that would be my friend. I can still remember that sense of feeling forlorn but also hopeful that one day a boy would walk out a front door, looking like a young Scott Weinger, see me and nod and we would become best friends.  I remember watching films like, Licence To Drive, or, Gleaming the Cube, over and over again and every time as the credits rolled feeling so FKIN sad that I wasn’t a character in those films or that I didn’t have those characters as friends in my life.

 

Ok, we’re delving really deep into a dark part of what I have referred to before as my depression as a teenager, but it wasn’t all horrible because no matter how desperate I felt I always felt hope. Cut forward 30 years and I no longer feel desperate when I watch 80s films and I haven’t got arrested from driving around looking into people’s houses, as I no longer do that. But I can still feel like a loner. I have had to create my career and brand on my own (with many KIKASS collaborations with artists and peers along the way!) BUT it doesn’t matter how many people I worked with at the end of the day I was alone always fighting battles with glorious ups and devastating downs. And I can honestly say most of the time I try to strive forward life has kept hitting me backward, and it is all I can do to stay standing and keep my motivation and determination to continue trying to move forward, but forever feeling like I’m standing in the one spot.

 

I don’t know how much of this is self-inflicted or in my head, but it took years for me to be respected as a porn actor in Australia by the general public and I still feel like I am not by the industry or much of the gay community. Or at least shunned. Seeing clubs spend thousands exporting porn stars to come here and tour them and never once approaching me.

 

Hopefully, I didn’t sound like an insolent brat. Now if I feel this, me! Alpha-God-King, Rogan Muscle-Gorilla Richards! Role model and icon for many a gay man or dirty sex pig, imagine how lonely that guy feels who doesn’t have social media blowing smoke up his ass 24/7. It definitely humbles me and makes me feel wanted and needed. But to the guy that has none of that, I guess what I am trying to say, (maybe, I really have no FKIN idea, I just started writing this and it projectile vomited out onto my computer screen) is if you feel alone it’s ok. I do too. Most of us do. I just do me. I succeed. I fail. I have a stupendous time trying and I have a horrendous time failing. And I have learnt it’s ok to feel alone. And if not use that hurt to inspire you to be the best badass version of you that will show ‘them’ how great you are. I can’t tell you how many times I have used this way of thinking to inspire me to be me.

 

And if being different or being true to yourself increases that loneliness, well FK it! I’d rather be me and alone than fake and within a group of people, I don’t actually care about or care about me. Maybe Disney brainwashed us into thinking we all need a prince charming, a genie or a FKIN destiny to be great and adored. But really, we just need ourselves, and to make our own miracles and to live out something less than being a king or swapping our fins for true love. Seriously, I’d be like, “Learn how to scuba dive mother FKR!”

 

*Notes

Is there a difference from being lonely and being on your own?

Using drugs to escape being lonely or to need drugs to have a connection with other people (Chem sex).

Some people think you have to be alone to discover who you are, I honestly do not agree with that and have learnt most things about myself through the interactions with my friends, family and more so, lovers.

 

 

 

The choices we make.

By ASK ROGAN No Comments

I believe we create our own reality. Our life is the product of the choices we make and the responses we have to what other people do to us. Last night my Prince Albert was ripped out of my cock. Now there is a huge tear in the head of my penis from my urethral opening to the base of the head. I had three different options to film with three different guys last night and if I had made a different choice I most possibly wouldn’t be writing this post today.

The first was a muscle Asian pup I found on Grindr who was a huge fan. The second was a guy I had met years ago to film but when I arrived at the guy’s hotel I could tell he wasn’t very comfortable with filming and I just had to leave. Let’s call him the mistake. The third was a guy I had already filmed with in La Vida Loca. He couldn’t meet till later in the night and as I had suspicions that the Asian kid was fake I thought I’d meet him earlier then go to Viva’s. That way if he was fake it didn’t matter, I would still be filming. Why did I think he was fake? Because of the number of text messages he was sending me since we made contact. Stuff like “I want you to cum in my mouth and my ass and piss in me, stand on your head and juggle five rabbits with your feet”, the number of requests and questions he had was equal to a German client! Those guys have no separation from fantasy and reality. And yes, I get that hiring an escort is to fulfill a fantasy but we are still just humans and not computers that you choose buttons that provide every single fantasy you’ve ever had condensed into one hour. The fantasy is we show up, get hard, and do our job. Anyway, guys who text as much as this kid was are usually fake.

So when the mistake started texting me I made the decision to not meet the Asian kid and turn up to the mistakes place where his boyfriend would film us and join in. In hindsight I know now I should have just waited and gone straight to Viva’s, I knew it would be a guaranteed hot shoot but I was being greedy and thought I could fit in two films in the one night. So we all decide to take some chems during the session which makes mistake a little jumpy and erratic. This is a common reaction to chem use and he isn’t “that” bad yet where I need to tell him to calm down and I decide to wait to see if he calms down naturally instead of possibly making him feel self-conscious by bringing it to his attention. the boyfriend and I are fine, if anything, the complete opposite and mellow. So we throw our leather on and it is going good for the first 10-15 minutes when mistake leans forward on the bed to then fling himself backward, at the same time I must have stepped in closer to him…

It didn’t hurt I just felt something pull and looked down to see blood spraying everywhere and I knew straight away what had happened. The first thoughts that ran through my head were, “Fuck! I just got my dick working again!” And “I only had it for 4 months and my piercings gone!” I grabbed my cock and ran to the toilet and straddled it. The boys gave me an ice pack and towel to put on it as I struggled to stay conscious and not pass out.

The rest is history. All I can say if it happens to you and you end up at the hospital they can’t operate on it right there and then cause If they do the scar tissue would close up the urethra tube. I was given antibiotics, pain killers and Ural. They made me piss to make sure I still could, which made me terrified remembering how much that stung from when I pissed after getting the PA. I could pee so I was sent home. I now have to wait till it heals then book in with a Urologist to make it look less Frankenstein and more Playboy Bunny.

So that’s where we are at guys. It was an accident but did I make the wrong choice to cause it? Regardless I have a rip though my cock as I write this. In the end, I can blame myself for the decision I made or I can put it all down to chance. How we react or respond to what life throws at us is what defines us as a human. This could easily trigger my depression, I could become resentful or bitter at the world around me or try and escape this fucked up reality with drugs or alcohol, as my go-to choice of escape, being sex, isn’t a viable option. But I won’t. I read it might take up to 8-12 weeks for my injury to heal fully and I am going to use that time to be as productive as I can and dive into projects I have been wanting to do for my website. And mostly concentrate on my bodybuilding. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I have an amazing career, KIKASS followers, loving friends and family, and a supportive boyfriend who continues to amaze me at how incredible he is.

DISCLAIMER
I do not endorse or glorify chem sex or drug use and if anything this story shows the negative effects using chems during sex can cause. It is a personal choice you make for yourself knowing the negative impact it can have on your life. There’s that ‘choice’ word again. I know a lot of people don’t believe anyone can be a functional user. Except for people using it and trying to not feel bad about it. As a sex worker chem sex became unavoidable in 2016-17 but I can tell you now that there is a huge change within some of the gay community in 2019-20 where people now refuse to use chems, or Tina precisely. Unfortunately, G seems to be as popular as ever and though it doesn’t cause addiction it does cause death. I for one can’t fkin stand G. And it does nothing for me sexually. If your big enough to use chems be man enough to research what you’re using, the effects, dangers and especially dosages and administration.

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By XXX 2 Comments

“I was a little concerned dropping this video because I wasn’t fully hard ‘cause I had just filmed with another guy earlier that night and blew up him, but I find this film so fucking hot! I was so into this boy and he’s one great cock sucker, I had to post it. And even semi I can choke boys out. And blowing soon after dumping your first load hurts so insanely good!”
Rogan.

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