They say misery loves company. And all classic sayings had to come from some level of truth. So welcome to my public therapy session. I began writing this post thinking i was going to post 5 soppy songs and be done with it, but instead started writing and didn’t censor myself and have given you probably my most personal insight into me;
For the last 3 days I have been in bed with chronic depression. most of you who have followed me over the decade I´ve been around know i fight this mental illness, I remember one fan saying I was one of the first to openly talk about it, when it was encouraged to hide it away and not show weakness, and tho i never felt ashamed of talking about it back then, i admit to feeling a little now that every man and his dog has jumped on the band wagon. Well, for any new fans I have depression. It started in my mid teens and has been with me ever since.
Before my last YouTube channel was taken down I had several posts where i talked openly about it. And i do want to address this disease publicly again. Maybe this need is a reaction to how isolating and alone it makes you feel. I posted on my Gram yesterday, it doesn’t matter how many people you have surrounding you with love and support, depression, similar to addiction, has the ability to separate you from those people and make you feel isolated and alone.
This FIVE 4 FRIDAY playlist is inspired by my bleak state of mind right now. Actually, the Haim song randomly came up on my youtube playlist and also had a part to play in my decision to make a playlist based on the times I have hurt the most in my life and the songs I have listened to in those times… (probably the whiskey has a small part to play in all this as well…)
THIS IS. – A poem by Tristan. Posted by Rogan.
loneliness…
its not a state of mind. – I don´t fuckin care what you´ve got to say – its the cruelest emotion you´ll ever find
imagine that scene from the film – just as he steps away – just before he can call out her name – lost to him forever unless its a Disney film then the plot line will create a chance meeting some other way
but iI´ve never met anyone from the kid channel on pay tv
we´re all indie films waiting for discovery – we find hope in those that have commercial success – there´ll be a sequel with a lot more money – just remember the hard difference between celluloid and reality – when the credits roll its never the end – tell yourself it´s alright you can buy the soundtrack and relive it again
but that songs grown old it no longer charts
and you’re lucky to have two smash hits when it comes to your heart
get in line for the next audition – or write a brand new script – hope to catch the directors attention when you arrive on the set for your ten second bit
in a room full of actors no one´s telling the truth
in a world full of liars its hard to know where to look
you may be the only one who hears the score that plays your theme song
but if you’re lucky
after several spins offs – another will recognise that cord progression – and you´ll find what you’ve been looking for and understand that voice as it begins to sing
and your life wins an award at the Canes film festival – ´casue I´ve heard thats not such a lonely thing
and i think to myself – what a wonderful world
this is.
Films have always played a massive part in my youth and growth. When I was at my loneliest films were my escape and the characters withen them were the companions and closest things I had to friends in my life. Taking that into consideration its no surprise when I transitioned and legally changed my name, I took a name formed by the character from my favourite film and an actress I was obsessed with.
You may not believe me when I tell you as a child growing up, before I was Rogan, Tristan was a terrified little boy who was ashamed of him self and petrified of the world around him. I don´t know how many other kids were traumatised by being left in Kindergarten? But kindergarten was hell on earth for me and I was so emotionally damaged being, what I felt was, abandoned everyday by my mum. This was probably due to an over bearing and over protective up brining. (And I totally blame my baby boy Pomeranian, Barbarian´s intense co-dependance on me as a repeated character trait I learnt from my upbringing.) For the first several years of primary school, every little lunch and big lunch, I would walk to the fence of the school that was in the closest direction to where I knew my home was located, and where my mum would be and I would sing, Hopelessly Devoted To You. (Don´t ask me why that song? as i cant answer you, you’re guess is as good as mine? And When I told my mum this 2 years ago when I was back in Australia fighting what may have been my worst attack of depression, she didn’t believe me, the bitch!) I guess at that age i didn’t have a concept of “romantic” love, it was only the love I had for my mum?!
Cut forward to decades later and my heart had been severely bruised, but I tried again, only to get hurt more than ever before. It was probably an accumulation of all my heartbreaks and definitely a lot of it was the relationship prior. This was my most listened to song that year.
Around 3 decades earlier the song was this one… when I had lost a girlfriend and son named Jory…
I am not pretending to be the victim in all these stories, I acknowledge I was a fucking villain if ever there was one! I gave birth to many of the demons I fight. I have hurt and been hurt. I was voiceless and over-spoken, confused and too self assured, manipulated by a vicious religion that burnt into my head I was wrong, and been surrounded by people my whole life and felt completely alone and I know there´s others out there who are going through similar battles inside their heads. And if like me, you are now older the things you found as ammunition to cope, which in my case were books, movies and music and dreams, they no longer have the power they used too to, to ward of your demons and you suddenly are forced to face them all on your own, and you are so very tired and so very exhausted from life that you don´t know how much fight you have left in you. I can only speak for myself, and the one thing that helps me from giving into them is so, basic bitch simple, and so unfathomably hard, it is simply to keep busy. It´s the one thing that has always stopped me from drowning. To stay one step ahead. This approach wont cure you or help you understand what is the root cause of it, if there is even is a rational reason? It only helps you keep living and avoid it. And with only one life to live, I´d rather spend a day chasing dreams than lying in bed wishing to disappear.
Someone who cares about me asked do i have someone to talk to? That they needed professional help when they fought their battles with depression. I tried talking to a professional twice in my life and both times were seriously a waste of money, my best friend Laura has given me better advice than those two dip shits combined. I guess my way of dealing with it and facing it is doing this… Writting about it makes me face it, and makes me have to step up and do something about it, cause now I have posted it out there and so others know and it gives me strength in that knowledge, weather it´s healthy or not, to do something about it. Alone I don´t have the power but with listeners I do. (If only I wrote this post 3 days ago and didn’t spend 3 days in bed wishing myself non existent!) But when you stumble and fall and it catches up to you, you need to find YOUR way to face it, turn your back on it, and take away its energy!
Of coarse it will catch up to you again, rip your mum through the front door window and trap you inside your head.
But next time hopefully you will be ready.
Disclaimer. I address fighting depression in this post as an individual warrior, alone. But you are never alone. AND it is important to know if you are loosing the fight on your own you just need to call someone and ask for help. I know its the (irrationally) last thing we want to do. But it is the thing we NEED to do before we give up.
