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it just FKIN hurts.

By April 15, 20203 Comments

Earlier this year I was robbed. Well, the house I was staying in was robbed and for some reason, the cunts who ribbed the house seemed intent on taking only my stuff! I got everything back, no thanks to the police but to my mate whose house I was living in going to the apartment of the person who robbed him and relentlessly yelling at their apartment for two days straight till the cunts couldn’t take it any longer ad brought my stuff back. Amongst the stuff stolen and the only thing I gave a sit about really was my two hard drives that had my entire career on them.

I would be completely fucked right now if I hadn’t gotten those back as I would have no content or opportunity to film new content for my website. this site would be on lockdown just like me. Regardless of lockdown after the tear in my cock I wouldn’t have been able to film any new content anyway.

So, I went out and bought some “backup” hard drives to back everything up. The issue was my old hard drives hadn’t been formatted correctly so I couldn’t just drag and drop from my working HD to the backup HD I had to literally drag individual files onto my desktop, then from there onto my back up drive, delete the film from my desktop and keep going. Then the files kept crashing… so what was meant to take 4-8hrs took 3 days. I was dragging and saving and deleting so many FKIN things I didn’t realize I hadn’t properly copied my back catalog of porn films to the new backup drive.

The reason this was a problem was after I (had )thought I had moved all my files I erased the old HD drive so I could format it correctly so this would never be an issue again in the future. But like I said the films hadn’t been transferred correctly and I lost every porn film I have made prior to 2018. This also didn’t cause me to break anything valuable as I still had all my films online at my website I had just lost all the raw footage…

I had lost every film I had ever made with Skip.

I never really talked about what happened with me and Skip but any of you with half a brain could fill in the gaps. In December after fighting for him for four years I had nothing left and had to walk away, delete him from my life. (This was meant to be figuratively, not literally!)  I didn’t stop loving him and I know I never will. There’s an insane connection we have that goes deeper than anything I’ve ever felt but sometimes love is not enough and I couldn’t stay in a place that was unhealthy for me. And I finally accepted that I also couldn’t alter the life journey he was on.

Having lost our entire history on film yesterday it opened my heart to a tidal wave of loss and pain I had been suppressing. Do things happen for a reason? Was that life encouraging me to let go. I can’t see him, I can’t be his friend, I don’t know anything about where he is or what he is doing. I just hope he is good. I will never forget everything we did together and how much he was apart of creating my brand and my website. A huge important part.  I can’t thank him enough and I will always love him till the day I die.

I made this film during one of the dark patches of our relationship and watching it still makes me cry. Guess I’m a sucker for pain so I’m posting it again.

He had the most beautiful eyes when he smiled, and I hope where ever he is, he’s smiling.

Love you Skip.

battlefield version

Join the discussion 3 Comments

  • Nina says:

    I’m not into porn and not interested but I got curious and get to see you and skip. Although, being straight and a woman, I am a huge fan of Yaoi/BL (boys love or gay mangas), so when I saw the two of you and I think that might be one of the reasons your videos together were so appreciated, it can be felt the passion and the love, the way he looked and the touches..(just my thoughts). Not knowing what really happened before I kinda hoped and knew that there was feelings not only a show and strong bounds between the two of you, so really but really wished for some kinda good ending. From my point of view, I understand what you did until now and a lot have done the same too to same themeselves and their love ones.
    This might help and might be not but it helps me and other people… you might know or not about Laura Clery and her husband (both fighting for addictions and depressions) about addictions and depression, how it presents differently depending on each person.
    It’s so sad it ended like this (..yet) but everything has it reasons to lead to what will be the future.
    I won’t lie and admit that I want to know more especially form his side (’cause I took your story together seriously to my heart) and wish both of you to have peace and happy future together or if it’s not meant to be separately (I’d be happy but shed a tear a bit hahaha).
    Wish you the best and more shining days
    P.S: I read everything on your blog, it’s good (of course my favourite is all about you and skip=>results of too much BL) but I found it interesting.

    • Thanks for taking the time to write this. Me and Skip will always love one another unconditionally, though we are apart for now and the foreseeable future.

      • Nina says:

        Thank you for replying to my long long post… ^_^
        I still would want to recomand you Laura Clery’s book “Idiot” (it even have an audio, that is fun to listen to), it might help you or those around you, of course id you want to.
        And as a huge fan of BL, may be you can check on them..migth give you some idea \(>oI shared your last vlog to someone who need it about masculinity, it was well appreciated.
        Thank you and please continue your good work

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