DR RICHARDS to the rescue!
I received this message…
“It was about relationships in general. I’m Aries like you, I hookup a lot, don’t really feel a connection beyond that in most cases to pursue someone (but always have a fun time). In the rare case I do something is ‘wrong’ e.g. they are just visiting, taken already etc. I’ve done therapy and all, there is no ‘issue’ with me. It is just luck and timing basically. And as I get older (33 now) it gets harder because a lot of guys are traumatised by ex’s or taken or only looking to hookup or simply g
given up. I moved to NY from London hoping for a new start but it’s pretty much the same here – guys are with each other for the “wrong reasons” (no judgement, hopefully you know what I mean) for the most part, or open looking for something else (not that I’m against being open). There are of happy gay couples out there but – not to sound negative – its usually down to being tired of hookups, not having other options (either because of themselves or where they live etc)
but generally I am finding a lot of people in couples simply just making do / not actually happy. Therefore I wonder if it’s better and ok to just be single and hoe around. I guess part of me wonders ‘is this it’ but maybe actually it’s ok. Also, when I do see couples, I don’t really see the mixed guy for example (like me) together with someone, its always ‘the same with the same’ most of the time, or a fetished mix e.g. black top + white bottom, white top + asian bottom etc.
I guess I never thought I would be single for so long and always good to get insight from someone who has lived this life longer than I have.”
…and I thought it was an interesting topic to try and comment about.
Firstly, I have had as much luck in relationships as Kylie Minogue. I am just about to attempt to salvage my last relationship and get back together with who I believe is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. More (or less) on that later. What I can talk to you about with great confidence is, obviously not how to keep a man, but navigating the gay scene as a highly sexually active man…
So in regard to what you wrote me; “Therefore I wonder if it’s better and ok to just be single and hoe around. I guess part of me wonders ‘is this it’ but maybe actually it’s ok.” The answer is YES! J-Lo literally just made a self-indulgent Amazon Prime film about this! (This Is Me.) There is no shame or anything wrong with being single and going from one fuck to the other. As you seem to think, couples get together for the wrong reasons, and there is no one greater wrong reason for being with someone other than because you think it’s expected of you not because you actually want to be with that person. The second, which is a massive head fuck, is being too afraid to be alone.
“something is ‘wrong’ e.g. they are just visiting, taken already etc. I’ve done therapy and all, there is no ‘issue’ with me. It is just luck and timing basically.” You answered this yourself. It is timing. I am a big believer that timing (and the interference of life obstacles) has a massive part in how or why couples get together… or break up. My last relationship was a brutal victim to both of those things. It could have been the strongest I have ever had but we met at the wrong time. There’s is nothing you can do to control this factor other than acknowledge and respect it. I wonder what you went to therapy for? Wanting a relationship? Not finding one? Or why you are not comfortable being single? I went to therapy for a sex addiction, I am told therapy can work wonders and I am open to it but the bloke I saw was shit and offered me absolutely nothing. Funnily enough during this time I had an epiphany from watching Madonna’s music video to Die Another Day. I realised for most of my sexually active gay life I struggled with a hopeless Disney idealist (the romantic) in me that was constantly battling with the turbo mega slut! (No extra definition needed.) I constantly went from one relationship to the next but always fucked it up because of my dick. Mads video made me realise the problem wasn’t that one characteristic had to win over the other. Naturally, like you, I assumed the romantic needed to kill the slut. But that I had to embrace both, encouraging the positive characteristics and apply them to my life, and knowing the negative ones to stop them from surfacing. The romantic has just as many bad qualities as the slut.
“for the most part, or open looking for something else (not that I’m against being open).” Now this is a BIG one. The most positive approach to this I have heard is when a mate said, he understood that he can’t provide everything his partner may want to explore sexually and as you only live life once, he didn’t want to deprive his partner of those experiences. Obviously, anyone who chooses to date me automatically has to be comfortable with the fact that I am a sex worker. I have had two relationships in my life where I could say they were my life partner. The first was with me before my career in the sex industry started and when it was taking off, I had to choose between him or my career. Enough said. The second hasn’t asked me to stop but I would be open to considering it now. Or at least open to having that discussion. Being a healthy open couple really relies on communication and honesty. I would say loyalty but that depends way too much on the persons perspective and what their level of love/respect is for their partner.
Also, when I do see couples, I don’t really see the mixed guy for example (like me) together with someone, its always ‘the same with the same’ most of the time, or a fetished mix e.g. black top + white bottom, white top + asian bottom etc. Everyone has a “type” and the great thing is there is a kaleidoscope of choices so there is a type for everyone. And yes, common ones are couple that look like siblings. Strangely enough for someone who has more success at wanking off to myself than any other person I am attracted to the opposite of what I am, super white, blonde and blue eyes. Or brunette, black hair on porcelain white is my kryptonite! I am not limited to this type though and time has made me attracted to attitude and chemistry over physicality. So, then we have the opposites attract type and yes, as you called it, the fetish mix. And a billion other combinations. Embrace and respect all of these and explore and find what works for you.
I have no idea if anything I said helps you in your personal search for happiness or acceptance.
As for me I have graduated from the college of find a man. It helps to be a sex God. And now am struggling to get through the college of keep a man, having continuously flunked it. But all I can say is make sure you keep your eyes open, learn and grow from all the experiences you have and don’t repeat the same mistakes. It may not be that there is technically anything wrong with you but maybe there is something you are doing wrong in the expectations you have or the way you interact or respond to others.
The one common denominator is you and in the journey of true love the only one person you have any control over is yourself.
