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Lonely

By March 3, 20202 Comments

I found this article I wrote a while back and didn’t post. I’m not too sure why I hesitated? Maybe I didn’t want to seem vulnerable? I guess having a huge rip in my cock has put things into a different perspective. I often have felt really lonely in my life and I know a lot of you feel this way too and this was my attempt to try and write something about that feeling, to tell you we all feel that way and that maybe it’s not the worse thing to happen to you like maybe a hole in your dick would be considered worse.

Lonely…

I’m guessing you would be pretty surprised that I have always felt alone since I was a teenager. Don’t get me wrong I am so lucky to say I have an amazing group of friends that I know will always be there for me and a KIKASS family that, though we may not have always seen eye to eye, and who I treated like shit for a rebellious phase of my life when I was accepting my sexuality, would do anything for me and vice versa. But you know how they say you can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. Well, that is true as well even if those people all love you and you love them back. I mean at the end of the day we are all fundamentally alone. They have their own lives and shit to deal with as do you.

 

For some people like myself, we make it even harder on ourselves to feel included in this merry-go-ride called life because we chose to dance to a different beat and talk to a truth that is too blunt to most people who misunderstand you as being rude. Look, I can only speak for myself and wouldn’t ever claim I know your life, but I have found that being even slightly different makes you slightly alienated from the crowd around you. So, I have a billion guys messaging me saying they want me to destroy their asses but come on, that’s not real. Mostly its fantasy and even if not it’s still not substantial. Yeah it FKIN feels great to be globally worshipped and I have been surprised and humbled by my followers and how amazing they are and how they have moved or touched me in a positive way as I have them. But after you put down your phone or shut your laptop you are swallowed by a very real loneliness.

 

It’s hard for me to verbalize this but then it’s hard for me to admit it. But I don’t think this feeling of isolation is necessarily something you should feel ashamed of. It’s just life. I remember as a teenager, riding my bike around the neighborhood I grew up in, as the sun was setting, and I would look into people’s houses wondering who was living in them and if there was someone in there that would be my friend. I can still remember that sense of feeling forlorn but also hopeful that one day a boy would walk out a front door, looking like a young Scott Weinger, see me and nod and we would become best friends.  I remember watching films like, Licence To Drive, or, Gleaming the Cube, over and over again and every time as the credits rolled feeling so FKIN sad that I wasn’t a character in those films or that I didn’t have those characters as friends in my life.

 

Ok, we’re delving really deep into a dark part of what I have referred to before as my depression as a teenager, but it wasn’t all horrible because no matter how desperate I felt I always felt hope. Cut forward 30 years and I no longer feel desperate when I watch 80s films and I haven’t got arrested from driving around looking into people’s houses, as I no longer do that. But I can still feel like a loner. I have had to create my career and brand on my own (with many KIKASS collaborations with artists and peers along the way!) BUT it doesn’t matter how many people I worked with at the end of the day I was alone always fighting battles with glorious ups and devastating downs. And I can honestly say most of the time I try to strive forward life has kept hitting me backward, and it is all I can do to stay standing and keep my motivation and determination to continue trying to move forward, but forever feeling like I’m standing in the one spot.

 

I don’t know how much of this is self-inflicted or in my head, but it took years for me to be respected as a porn actor in Australia by the general public and I still feel like I am not by the industry or much of the gay community. Or at least shunned. Seeing clubs spend thousands exporting porn stars to come here and tour them and never once approaching me.

 

Hopefully, I didn’t sound like an insolent brat. Now if I feel this, me! Alpha-God-King, Rogan Muscle-Gorilla Richards! Role model and icon for many a gay man or dirty sex pig, imagine how lonely that guy feels who doesn’t have social media blowing smoke up his ass 24/7. It definitely humbles me and makes me feel wanted and needed. But to the guy that has none of that, I guess what I am trying to say, (maybe, I really have no FKIN idea, I just started writing this and it projectile vomited out onto my computer screen) is if you feel alone it’s ok. I do too. Most of us do. I just do me. I succeed. I fail. I have a stupendous time trying and I have a horrendous time failing. And I have learnt it’s ok to feel alone. And if not use that hurt to inspire you to be the best badass version of you that will show ‘them’ how great you are. I can’t tell you how many times I have used this way of thinking to inspire me to be me.

 

And if being different or being true to yourself increases that loneliness, well FK it! I’d rather be me and alone than fake and within a group of people, I don’t actually care about or care about me. Maybe Disney brainwashed us into thinking we all need a prince charming, a genie or a FKIN destiny to be great and adored. But really, we just need ourselves, and to make our own miracles and to live out something less than being a king or swapping our fins for true love. Seriously, I’d be like, “Learn how to scuba dive mother FKR!”

 

*Notes

Is there a difference from being lonely and being on your own?

Using drugs to escape being lonely or to need drugs to have a connection with other people (Chem sex).

Some people think you have to be alone to discover who you are, I honestly do not agree with that and have learnt most things about myself through the interactions with my friends, family and more so, lovers.

 

 

 

Join the discussion 2 Comments

  • Allen says:

    That’s funny. You posted this when I got a message from my mom. Once again blaiming me for how things ended with us. Feeling my self worth drain. I am a loner, I had one true friend I fell in love with and ruined our relationship and I’m spending my adult life desperately figuring out who I was meant to be, or more appropriately, who I want to be.

    Funny enough I did think when I was younger I wanted to be a porn star since I was more confident with sex, but I never tried. Being alone is a part of who I am, I can enjoy a super long shower or walking out by myself a lot more than I can being forced to a party, but I cant deny that eventually it will hurt like hell feeling like something other. I mean, I’m alone trying to relate to a porn star that probably has hundreds of people trying to get your attention.

    I’m not sure who I will be, and I’m too scared to take chances if I’m not even sure if I can put myself into it, but dispite my fears I call myself the Demon Otter King. Even if I dont align to the wants of others, I will be hardheaded until I learn to become my own person. At this point I have no choice other than moving foward, or to give into my loneliness and disappear, and I will not let that happen.

    Anyways, I did get a bit dark. Hope you heal fine.

  • Mr. Scruffy says:

    Dear Rogan,
    Ever since i saw you in one of your porn. I do feel that i attract to your personality in the porn. You look so much fun, confident, tough Gorilla and you look you can conquer the world in your own way.

    After i read this, i didn’t expect or at least you won’t facing some loneliness of your own, just like me. Outside, people around me always think that i’m so lucky because many people like me (mostly in sexual way), known by lots of people. But, the only thing they don’t know i always feel lonely, sometime i scream in my heart calling for help… but no one can hear me….

    I started feeling lonely since i was a kid. I borned with asthmatic and my parent make me ‘house prison’ where i’m not allow to play outside even at our own house compound. I don’t have many good or memorable childhood memory. All are bad, espeically i was the less favourite child among my siblings. Any bad thing happen like something broken in the house, i will be the main suspect and scolded. Till one point, i wish i just disappeared from everyone life and nobody will know and remember me. I always thought that everyone around me will be so much happy without me.

    However, i don’t know where i got the strenght and will, maybe because i was lonely and have no friend, i always create my own fantady world with my imagination. And it started around aged maybe 5 or 6 years old. And the funny thing is my fantasy world involve BDSM, especially Master and slaves. I’m the king, i’m the one who have control to all other guys which are daddy type. Maybe that make me stronger to keep on moving forward. Make myself happy without thinking of other. In the end, my parent start to see me differently and they love me more.

    Today, i have some closed friends, some i called as daddy ( a bunch of them) and puppies. For my daddies and puppies, they are my family. And they are become the reason for me to fight my loneliness. Everyone have different experiences and my experience with loneliness, i always feel like i unwanted by anyone and i do keep wishing to be disappear from their life and the world.

    And thank you to my first puppy, even he live at different country. He never failed me. He really love me as his daddy, and he always ensure that i’m alright. 2019 is the worst year in my life till i almost went into the dark and depressed… but, my puppy never let me go, he will come around, bring me the light, hold my heart and keep remind me they are still people who love me. Yes… feeling lonely is suck and bad! But never forget, they are people who really care for us even we never know about it. Thank you, Pup Turbo and also his brother, Pup Maxx. I love them so much and never leave me in the dark… till today, i’m so lucky to meet them and also all my daddies, they all love me in their own way… and i love them so much and secretly will protect them in the dark… never ever let anything to hurt them…

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