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Are you here for a reason or are you just hoping for a glimmer? My story according to my cock.

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I have been meaning to sit down and start writing my life story. My friends are ALWAYS telling me to write down all my crazy stories and experiences because FUCK do I have a lot! The night I tore my cock open I sat down and started writing… and I have kept writing since. Here is the first paragraph of my upcoming novella “Are you here for a reason or are you hoping for a glimmer?” My story according to my cock.

“I have a hole in my dick. I guess that’s a good as any place to start this story. My name is Rogan Richards, or that is the name I gave myself ten years ago and am sticking with it, and this is the story of how a shy, scared little boy became a global gay icon. But really this is the story of a dick and how that dick created a man. A scared man. I’m scared that I have spent my whole life making a career around my cock that has led to this place and time. That taking away my cock, the one thing that defined me as a man, a pornstar, a global sex object, a brand, will turn me back into that scared, socially awkward little boy I hated and refused to be. I was going to write the story of my life but now I realize I am writing the story of my dick’s life and the person it has taken along with it for this crazy ride. So, let’s start at the beginning. As a child, I never liked my dick. Did you?”

Ok, rather dramatic but the accident had only just happened earlier that night, I’d lost a lot of blood, was high on pain killers, alone in my Airbnb in Sydney and freaking out about the huge tear in my moneymaker! Besides the incredibly unbelievable, hilarious, hurtful but always entertaining stories from my life, this will be a story of the importance we place on our cocks as gay men, in particular as a top, for good and bad, and about learning to love yourself and stop self-shaming. A story of finding your sexuality and defining it and whether it defines you or you define it. Love, sex, filth, hate, barbarians and chlamydia, self-discovery and fighting every day to believe in yourself and own your truth in a world that more often than not, doesn’t want to let you.

Jen.

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Jennifer was my first kiss, I’m pretty sure her name was Jenny Blake (?) could be wrong. But I remember I was 15, (late bloomer) it was outside the front of her house, it was sunny, I was shit scared. Then after Labyrinth Jennifer Connelly became my crush from 1886 -1998. Jenny Blake lasted 2 weeks.

 

a call out to my fans… and why I shut down most of my gay apps and profiles…

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Well the obvious reason for the dramatic absence of me on sex (themed) sites or gay apps is I have a tear in my cock, haven’t actively had a hard-on for over a week and there’s no reason to have these active. Also, I deactivated my work WhatsApp number cause that number is public domain and I get messages from so many time wasters, wankers and random guys I don’t give a fuck about and didn’t want to have to deal with that negative side of my career during this uncomfortable time or have to respond or ignore text message from guys I don’t know, asking me what happened? or if I’m ok? Unfortunately, there are many guys, peers, and mates, people I care about, that also use that number to communicate with me and I apologize to you guys that I cut you off but I didn’t know any other way to remove the unwanted static and I figure if you REALLY want to contact me you can find an alternative way. I will activate my WhatsApp when I’m back up and ready to start smashing it which will be sooner than later. I’m thinking of reactivating my Rent Men profile for muscle worship while my cock heals.

Now I talked about the negative side of my career and life but I want to also address the amazing followers I have who are so supportive, protective, loyal, understanding and caring. I am humbled and so FKIN moved that I have such KIKASS followers! You guys keep me being me, you guys inspire me, you guys reassure me that what I do is heard and you get me!

AND to the MEMBERS of my website! I can’t thank you ENOUGH!!!! During this terrible time, you literally are financially supporting me!  So THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I HOPE I NEVR SEE U AGAIN

By SHORT STORIES by or inspired by ME 3 Comments

WHY DO I GET SO SCRED

WHEN I THINK OF SEEING U AGAIN

WHY DO I STILL FKIN CARE

DNT ANSWR THAT

I KNOW WHY I WONT ADMIT IT CAUSE

TO DO THAT IS TO PLY A DANGEROUS GAME OF TRUTH OR DARE

EITHER WAY SHE WINS

WE LOOSE

IM THE FOOL

YOUR THE VICTIM

AND WE’RE JUST FKIN CRUEL

I KNOW THAT NOW

ARE YOU STIL PLAYING DUMB

OR ADMIT TO IT TOO

WHAT YOU DO

WHAT THE FK

THIS HURTS SO FKIN MUCH

WHY DO I STILL EVEN LOVE YOU

BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

YOU HIDE THAT FROM EVERYONE ELSE SO WHY SHOW ME

THEN CHOOSE THAT BITCH TINA

WHY COULDNT SHE JUST STAY MATES WITH NANCY

WHY DID YOU LET THAT GUY PIN YOU

THAT VICIOUS DNACE

I REMEMBER WHEN I LET YOU PIN ME

I REMEMBER WHEN I MADE YOU INTRODUCE US

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW IM CRAZY

BECAUSE I FELT CLOSE TO YOU WHEN YOU STUCK THAT NEEDLE IN MY ARM

I DIDNT KNOW HWY YOU HAD TO HIDE IT FORM ME

I THOUGHT THIS COULD BE FUN

YOU SAID YOU WERE TRYING TO PROTECT ME

WE DIDNT FAIL

OR MAYBE I FAILED YOU

I LIVE WITH MY GUILT

I LIVE WITH THAT PAIN TOO

I DIDNT GIVE UP ON YOU

I DIDNT GIVE UP ON LOVE

I HAD TO GIVE UP ON HOPE

THAT CRUEL CONCEPT THAT THEY TEACH US IS TRUE

THAT I COULD BE UR MAN

THAT I COULD SAVE YOU

THAT YOU COULD BE MY BOY

THAT YOU COULD CHOOSE ME

RETEACH MYSELF TO SEE THROUGH MY HEAD NOT MY EYES

RETEACH MYESLF THAT TO BE HAPPY IS GOODBYE

SHE DOESNT DO REALITY

SHE DOESNT CARE ABOUT YOU OR ME

SHE DOESNT DO REASON

I GAVE YOU 4 YRS

I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I COULD

I KNOW YOU LOVE ME

DO YOU KNOW IM CRYING AS I WRITE THIS

MADE MYSELF LET HATE IN

MADE MYSELF LET ANGER FILL ME

NO ONE UNDERSTOOD ME

I COULDNT EXPLAIN IT TO THEM

THEY WERE DEAF

I WAS ALONE

I LEARNT TO HUG MY PILLOW FOR AFFECTION

I FLET LIKE A TRIGGER

AND THE STUPID THING IS I STARTED USING AFETR YOU LEFT

YOU DIDNT PROTECT ME FRM SHIT

OR WAS THAT A LIE TOO

WERE YOU JUST ASHMED

ONLY U KNOW WHAT KIND OF DARK YOU WENT THROUGH

DO U FINALLY REALISE THATS WHAT KILLED ME

THE LIES NOT THE ADDICTION

WHY DO I GET SO SCRED

WHEN I THINK OF SEEING U    

I found a new man who’s more than incredible

Who’s teaching me to love again

Who’s showing me what I could have if I chose to leave you.

I KNOW IVE BEEN SELFISH

I KNOW I TRAETED U LIKE SHIT

I KNOW I WILL ALWAYS HATE ME FOR WHAT I DID

I KNOW I WILL ALWAYS LIVE WITH THE WHAT IF

FILTERED INTO GUILT

But how are you

Do you try to kill yourself

Cause i know you feel the same

And your not as stubborn as me

But i know your stronger than this stupid game

I hope you find a reason

I hope you get your beautiful smile back

And find someone like I have who can rebuild you

To love and protect you

To help you stay on track

AND I FKIN HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU

SEEING YOU HAPPY, WELL, WITH ANOTHER MAN

CAUSE THAT WOULD TEAR ME APART

IN NEW WAYS OF HURT AND HELL

SO I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN

a poem by me, about him.