I found this article I wrote a while back and didn’t post. I’m not too sure why I hesitated? Maybe I didn’t want to seem vulnerable? I guess having a huge rip in my cock has put things into a different perspective. I often have felt really lonely in my life and I know a lot of you feel this way too and this was my attempt to try and write something about that feeling, to tell you we all feel that way and that maybe it’s not the worse thing to happen to you like maybe a hole in your dick would be considered worse.
Lonely…
I’m guessing you would be pretty surprised that I have always felt alone since I was a teenager. Don’t get me wrong I am so lucky to say I have an amazing group of friends that I know will always be there for me and a KIKASS family that, though we may not have always seen eye to eye, and who I treated like shit for a rebellious phase of my life when I was accepting my sexuality, would do anything for me and vice versa. But you know how they say you can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. Well, that is true as well even if those people all love you and you love them back. I mean at the end of the day we are all fundamentally alone. They have their own lives and shit to deal with as do you.
For some people like myself, we make it even harder on ourselves to feel included in this merry-go-ride called life because we chose to dance to a different beat and talk to a truth that is too blunt to most people who misunderstand you as being rude. Look, I can only speak for myself and wouldn’t ever claim I know your life, but I have found that being even slightly different makes you slightly alienated from the crowd around you. So, I have a billion guys messaging me saying they want me to destroy their asses but come on, that’s not real. Mostly its fantasy and even if not it’s still not substantial. Yeah it FKIN feels great to be globally worshipped and I have been surprised and humbled by my followers and how amazing they are and how they have moved or touched me in a positive way as I have them. But after you put down your phone or shut your laptop you are swallowed by a very real loneliness.
It’s hard for me to verbalize this but then it’s hard for me to admit it. But I don’t think this feeling of isolation is necessarily something you should feel ashamed of. It’s just life. I remember as a teenager, riding my bike around the neighborhood I grew up in, as the sun was setting, and I would look into people’s houses wondering who was living in them and if there was someone in there that would be my friend. I can still remember that sense of feeling forlorn but also hopeful that one day a boy would walk out a front door, looking like a young Scott Weinger, see me and nod and we would become best friends. I remember watching films like, Licence To Drive, or, Gleaming the Cube, over and over again and every time as the credits rolled feeling so FKIN sad that I wasn’t a character in those films or that I didn’t have those characters as friends in my life.
Ok, we’re delving really deep into a dark part of what I have referred to before as my depression as a teenager, but it wasn’t all horrible because no matter how desperate I felt I always felt hope. Cut forward 30 years and I no longer feel desperate when I watch 80s films and I haven’t got arrested from driving around looking into people’s houses, as I no longer do that. But I can still feel like a loner. I have had to create my career and brand on my own (with many KIKASS collaborations with artists and peers along the way!) BUT it doesn’t matter how many people I worked with at the end of the day I was alone always fighting battles with glorious ups and devastating downs. And I can honestly say most of the time I try to strive forward life has kept hitting me backward, and it is all I can do to stay standing and keep my motivation and determination to continue trying to move forward, but forever feeling like I’m standing in the one spot.
I don’t know how much of this is self-inflicted or in my head, but it took years for me to be respected as a porn actor in Australia by the general public and I still feel like I am not by the industry or much of the gay community. Or at least shunned. Seeing clubs spend thousands exporting porn stars to come here and tour them and never once approaching me.
Hopefully, I didn’t sound like an insolent brat. Now if I feel this, me! Alpha-God-King, Rogan Muscle-Gorilla Richards! Role model and icon for many a gay man or dirty sex pig, imagine how lonely that guy feels who doesn’t have social media blowing smoke up his ass 24/7. It definitely humbles me and makes me feel wanted and needed. But to the guy that has none of that, I guess what I am trying to say, (maybe, I really have no FKIN idea, I just started writing this and it projectile vomited out onto my computer screen) is if you feel alone it’s ok. I do too. Most of us do. I just do me. I succeed. I fail. I have a stupendous time trying and I have a horrendous time failing. And I have learnt it’s ok to feel alone. And if not use that hurt to inspire you to be the best badass version of you that will show ‘them’ how great you are. I can’t tell you how many times I have used this way of thinking to inspire me to be me.
And if being different or being true to yourself increases that loneliness, well FK it! I’d rather be me and alone than fake and within a group of people, I don’t actually care about or care about me. Maybe Disney brainwashed us into thinking we all need a prince charming, a genie or a FKIN destiny to be great and adored. But really, we just need ourselves, and to make our own miracles and to live out something less than being a king or swapping our fins for true love. Seriously, I’d be like, “Learn how to scuba dive mother FKR!”
*Notes
Is there a difference from being lonely and being on your own?
Using drugs to escape being lonely or to need drugs to have a connection with other people (Chem sex).
Some people think you have to be alone to discover who you are, I honestly do not agree with that and have learnt most things about myself through the interactions with my friends, family and more so, lovers.
